On giving up

I am giving up trying to make this blog some aesthetical haven, it’s too much of a bother. Actually, I’ve been giving up a lot of things lately, I’m trying to shift my focus,but it’s easier said than done, to say the least.

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Day 3 What’s the first band you obsessed over?

In my opinion, obsessing over a band is one of the most important rites of passage as a teenager. My chosen band was the German alternative rock/ emo band  Tokio hotel. TH got really well known around 2007 when they debuted their first English album Scream. I was twelve at the time and had just heard about them a couple of months before the album dropped.  Where I lived (and went to school) you either LOVED them or you HATED them, there was no happy medium to be found.  I was a very stereotypical example of a TH fan, complete with extreme amounts of eyeliner and black nails with white tips. And as a purist, my favorite song of theirs was one of their German ones.

Day 1: What’s the first song you remember being really obsessed with?

I got really into music when I was about 13 years old, and like many 13-year olds before me, I was feeling all the teen angst. My favorite bands consisted of Tokio Hotel, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, Three Days Grace and the like. But there was one song in particular that I listened to on repeat for like, 3 years straight. Which was 4 ever by The Veronicas. contrary to the bands I listed earlier, I’ve always seemed to favorize female vocalists over male, and 4ever was the perfect mix of pop and rock. I still find it really damn catchy.

 

writing and a music tag

Now that I’ve word vomited the thoughts that have been occupying my brain lately, I think I’m finally back to a normal schedule again. I want to challenge myself this summer. I want to write more than I ever have been before. Whether it’s here or on other projects. I know this is what I want to do. But I also know that I have a lot to learn if this is something I want to make a living off. (Not this blog specifically, but writing in general) It’s scary dreaming big when you live in a small town, there are more people to witness you failing, and even more people to loathe you if you succeed. During the upcoming month, a lot of life changing events may occur and I’m determined to make the most of every opportunity. To hold myself accountable I’ll start soft and commit to a ten-day challenge made by yours truly. (Cause, let’s be honest a 30-day challenge is just a bit too daunting for me).

Here are the challenges I made up for myself.

10-day music challenge

Day 1 What’s the first song you remember being really obsessed with?

Day 2 Who’s the first Artist you obsessed over?

Day 3 What’s the first band you obsessed over?

Day 4 What’s your first concert experience?

Day 5 What’s your favorite genre of music?

Day 6 If you could see any band/artist in concert right now, which would you choose?

Day 7 A song that triggers a strong memory

Day 8 A song that never fails to cheer you up

Day 9 A guilty pleasure

Day 10 A song that describes how today was

Judgement around mental disorders… you simply cant win

For the past, I want to say five years? Mental health and illnesses have been a major topic on social media. Personally, i think this helped to start a healthy debate on the topics but now has escalated into something completely different. With all the Facebook statuses and celebrity interviews where people ”come clean” about their mental illnesses, it almost seems like its become sort of a trend to struggle with one’s mental health.

At first, I was so glad that mental health sparked a debate around the entire world. I loved to hear about other people’s stories that were similar to mine. Since mental disorders are (or at least was) a very personal and at times lonely thing to go thorugh, it was refreshing that so many kept reassuring me that it was all going to be okay and that I was not alone. However, It didn’t take long for me to start questioning the increasing amount of people admitting to struggling with their mental health. Don’t get me wrong though, I do believe that the majority of the people proclaiming this is sincere in their declaration. But I also think that we have to take in consideration that most people know little to nothing about mental health. A lot of people read these statuses and interviews and find them relatable, which then leads them to think ”maybe this is the case with me too.” Then you begin searching about the illnesses online and just like that, you’ve diagnosed yourself with depression or an anxiety disorder. EVERYONE feels depressed and/or anxious at times. (or longer periods of times) It’s horrible and feels like the worst kind of torture, BUT THAT DOESN’t MEAN YOU HAVE A DISORDER.

I feel like we’ve come to the point where people are sick of hearing about other people’s ”disorders”, but nobody says anything cause they don’t want to look like an asshole for not believing them. Only in the comfort of their closest acquaintances or in their own mind is their skepticism voiced out loud. But you can still see their judgment in their eyes, and in the way their mouths become a thin line as you tell them you have a mental disorder. And though I’ve been on the receiving end of that look more times than I care to think about, I have to admit I understand them. (to a certain degree ofcourse!)

Before, when admitting to having to get treatment for a mental illness, the general perception was that you were unstable, crazy and even dangerous, and clearing up that misconception is probably the only positive thing that’s come out of this new trend of ”having a mental illness”. Now however, I’m back to square one again.. Where I don’t talk about my disorder in fear of a completely different kind of judgement. It’s gone full circle and now I’m afraid again to tell people about my disorder because I’m scared of it being trivialized.

I can’t sign off on this without touching on the problem old media (like movies and tv series) brings to the table. We need to stop romanticizing mental disorders! characters are not ”deep” and mysterious by being depressed. They are not romantic or an intriguing troubled soul” by having an anxiety disorder. You don’t get to use real, medical disorders as a quirky personality trait! This gives the viewers the perception that the disorder is something to be desired, which it’s really, really not.

One last disclaimer: The hypocrisy of me writing this post is not lost on me people. I’m doing exactly the same thing as the people I’m condemning, I am well aware of that. But for selfish reasons I don’t care to figure out, I found it necessary for me to write this.

End of rant.

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I went on a walk

I think that as I’ve grown older I’ve come to appreciate nature a lot more, as I suppose is the case with a lot of people. There’s really no denying that there’s a certain kind of magic to places like the one we went to. it was gray, windy and wet (like the weather usually is where I live) but so, so, so beautiful.

Life Update: wisdomtooth and anxiety

IT’S ALIVE ! (but just barely) Hi guys! I  have absolutely no good explanation for my absence. My weekend kicked off with having an anxiety attack before going to get another wisdom tooth pulled out, so that was a bit of a bummer (to say the least). The pain, however, is getting a lot better but for some reason, the lingering feeling of a potential anxiety won’t go away. I’m just feeling really fragile and like on edge, but hopefully, this will wear off in a couple of days when things get somewhat back to normal. And that’s basically it, I’m sorry to say. Not a lot of things happens when your cheek swells to double its size and you’re chained to your bed with anxiety  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Storylines where the MC meets the manic-pixie-dream-gang

Lately, I’ve found myself drawn to a certain type of story. The type where the main character, often an awkward outsider, finds a ”group” (using that term loosely) that has an air around them that screams unique, mysterious and exciting. Then the MC usually has this eureka moment where they’re like:”Yes ! I’ve found my equals!”  Or, the MC goes another route, where he/she starts to worship the group as some sort of hipster deities.
I can’t be the only one who has noticed this trope, right? I quite like them though they can seem sort of pretentious/hipster like at times. Just to give a few examples if you’re reading this thinking: what the hell is she on about? Here’s a couple of my favorite stories that’s like this.

The Secret History by Donna Tartt: this book is basically the holy grail of this trope. and it just so happens to be the last book I read that made me aware about how much I liked this type of story.
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chobsky: This is the gateway drug to this kind of story. it’s not so heavy on the cliches like  the book previously mentioned, but it does the job
The Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater: I mean… do I even have to explain why I picked this? the whole series is basically about their group dynamic.
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The Dreamers (2003): This is a movie I saw way before I probably should’ve, at the ripe age of 14 and I sort of fell in love with it.
The Riot Club (2014): This movie brings out so many feelings. It both infuriates and elates me. Bonus? Lots of good looking british guys.
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I don’t know about you… but i’m not feeling twenty two

So since the last time, I did a life update a couple of significant things have happened. Firstly, on Tuesday the 31st of January I went and got two if my wisdom tooth ripped out, which was less than a pleasant ordeal…putting it extremely mildly. So basically I’ve been in and out of a pain killer induced sleep the previous week and I’m only now feeling up to do anything that can resemble a productive nature. On Saturday, I decided to celebrate my birthday a day early purely on the grounds on it being a Saturdwp-1486432298459.jpgay. I met up with two of my best friends for dinner and we later went back to mine to celebrate how fourteen-year-old me would celebrate her birthday… With a movie and playing sing star. I was planning on going out, but I was still too heavily dependent on painkillers at that moment to deal with any kind of social interaction. So yeah.. I’m  twenty-two now. How bow dah?  Not gonna lie, I’m not where I thought I would be (or want to be) at 22..I’m still struggling with the consequences of having gone through school with an anxiety disorder, hence having a tense relationship with education. But I’m getting there… slowly, painfully slowly, but somewhat surely.

Here’s an awkward-hand selfie of me by the way, for no particular reason other than that I needed a picture to go with this post.